That time Art decided Chica (a 20 year old guy with at least 3 nicknames at the shop) needed his own theme song for when he was cleaning the lobby (washing windows, sweeping/mopping the floor and cleaning counters with Lysol wipes)…
And now every time someone sees Chica with a mop, we start singing She Works Hard For the Money.
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That time I forgot Rainbow Warrior doesn’t speak military so when he sent me a text I replied with: Copy that. Why? because I’m used to talking to the General, who regularly answers me like he’s part of our beloved Brave Company from Generation Kill and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get a little tingly when he starts speaking military lingo, even if he is Army and not Marines. General did five tours in Iraq, kids. FIVE. And he came back in mostly in one piece. I tease him for having cyborg parts in his ankle now since he’s full of pins, screws and whatever else they had to put in there so he wouldn’t lose his foot. Dude gets mega respect in my book. The point is, I answered Rainbow Warrior in military jargon so what did he do? He sent me the same message twice.
General laughed his ass off.
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That time I caught Yimmy (the RL Bobby) sleeping on the job on a rainy Saturday morning. Dude was passed the fuck out. Like hardcore REM sleeping. A customer even came into the building and I was able to set up a tow and get a driver going without waking Yimmy up. It took the General kicking the heavy steel door open and Mike yelling, “Good morning!” to wake Yimmy up, at which point Yimmy got all shaky and might have shit his pants in fear.
The number one rule of working overnight dispatch? Don’t. Fall. Asleep.
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That time I walked into work the Monday after I caught Yimmy sleeping on both Saturday and Sunday, only to find this:
I figured it had to be Art who brought it because he’s pretty much the biggest joker on the premises, but no. It was Yimmy! Dude brought it to work so he could get better rest at night. Seriously.
Most important lesson learned? You can’t fix stupid.
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That time Art called Tommy to see if he needed someone to come pick him up for work because it was still really cold outside. The conversation went something like this…
Art: This is the Secret Service. Is the President ready for pickup?
Tommy: He’s fuckin’ ready, you jagoff. Send the Rolls.
Art: *laughs* You sure you don’t want me to send Air Force 1, shithead?
Tommy: We’re stopping at Dunkin’ on the way in. Hurry up.
*both of them hang up*
Art: Hey, Megan, what’s that song they play at Presidential functions?
Me: Hail to the Chief?
Art: Yeah. Find that on Youtube real quick.
*I find it on Youtube and Art calls Tommy back*
Tommy: What now, asshole?
Tommy: You fuckin’ asshole. *hangs up*
*everyone laughs their asses off*
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Anytime something in the shop gets dropped we all yell, “Opa!” because Greek. The customers find it amusing, if nothing else.
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That time Mike, Wooderson and I decided that we all needed Mortal Kombat finishing moves. We don’t have everyone’s nailed down yet but we’ve got a few figured out:
Yimmy Smoosh- It’s a play on the Hulk Smash, only it’s a leg drop. Yimmy has severe edema, cellulitis or something of that nature. Either way, his lower legs retain an absurd amount of fluid and require draining. Whatever it is, it’s kind of gross and I definitely won’t want to get a leg drop from Yimmy. I cringe just thinking about it.
ULEEEEEEAH!- This is a combination move for Bossman and Chica (who is also known as Uleah and Frijoles). Since Bossman is Greek, in the game he’s a centaur (a Greek mythological creature that is man on top and horse on the bottom) who yells, “Uleeeeeah!” and Chica brings him a Red Bull to drink while Chica kicks the opponent to death.
Art- He just insults people until they die of dehydration from all the tears they’ve shed.
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That time Art asked me to print this sign to post on the office door in the oil change bay for Arthur’s customers:
The sign is taped to the bright red door and is still hanging there more than two months later.
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These jokers putting together the locking file cabinet I ordered last week so I don’t have HR stuff sitting up on the counter anymore. The shit Art (the one kneeling on the floor) was saying was reminiscent of this scene from Bad Boys II where Marcus’s daughter is ragging on the pool in the backyard and Marcus tells her the pool cost like $3500, so she asks how much the good pools cost. When I picked that file cabinet I went with something that locked and was relatively cheap. Of course that meant it had to be put together, which prompted Art to ask me how much the good file cabinets cost. Yet he and Chris somehow got the cabinet put together and it is now residing under the counter in my office.
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Chica: It smells like my house in Mexico in this cabinet.
Me: Is that a good thing? What does Mexico smell like?
Chica: I don’t know… like… the wilderness. The wilderness and…
Chica: *bursts out laughing*
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