I miss my sister.
For those of you that aren’t aware, and I’m sure it’s most of you, I have an alcoholic mother. She doesn’t admit it and it’s not a problem my family likes to acknowledge, but it’s true nevertheless. I love my mom, faults and all, don’t get me wrong. I’d like to see her get past this. Do I think it’s ever going to happen? No, I really don’t.
Tonight’s events were kicked off courtesy of a day full of drinking with a friend of hers because hey, it’s rum o’clock somewhere, right?
That’s pretty much Mom’s motto for life.
I can’t stand being around my mother when she’s drunk. It’s played out. She takes on an entirely different persona when she’s drunk and it’s not like she’s a fun drunk or a happy drunk (for the record, I’m a happy drunk. I giggle at everything and I just want to give everyone a hug). No, she’s the regretful, sloppy, angry, bitter, weepy drunk. Every single regret she’s ever had comes up. Every emotional trauma she never worked through is open for discussion. Any opinions she keeps to herself come flying out of her mouth.
It’s not pleasant, particularly when she goes on her rants about my father. I have enough reasons of my own to dislike the man. I don’t need to hear her grievances too.
Just leave me out of it, mmkay?
However, what set her off tonight was that I came out of my bedroom to tell her that I might not hear her because I was going to have ear buds in. I decided to put them in after fighting with the loud ass TV in the next room over. It’s a constant battle between us. I turn the volume down just two notches and she turns it back up because she’s drunk and apparently that fucks with her hearing.
So in attempts to just let her have her way, I figured I’ll avoid an argument by putting in my ear buds.
Apparently that was the exact wrong thing to say. Somehow this singular act led to her going off on a tangent once I sat down across the table from her (she was dramatically sitting in the dark dining room at the table eating dinner like she didn’t deserve light or whatever). Somehow my decision to listen to music through my ear buds means that I don’t appreciate her cooking dinner or cleaning the house.
So pretty much immediately I asked if we could continue the conversation she was so hellbent on having when she wasn’t drunk. She even opened with the sentence, “I’m drunk and I know it.”
The slurring and spacey look in your eyes didn’t give it away, Mom. Nope, not at all. I am stunned. Stunned!
Of course my request leads to her taking her plate to the kitchen without finishing her meal and then going out to the patio to smoke and cry over her misfortune of having such an ungrateful shit of a daughter… or maybe because the sky is blue. Who the fuck knows with her.
I doubt we’ll finish the conversation tomorrow but it’s possible. What all this boils down to is that I really miss my sister right now. Mom wasn’t a huge factor in her moving so far away, but she was a part of it. I sometimes think that moving away from her would be good for me too. There’s just so much negativity and heaviness surrounding her at all times that it can be suffocating. But then I worry about leaving her alone, too. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t I suppose.
I just wish my sister was here.